A small elephant in the room
I wonder if I should apologise. If I apologised, would it be for me or for them? Apologise as a way of taking ownership of what I’d created in the past? Given that I have no idea what they think or feel anymore, whatever I choose will be from my perspective. There is no way to be outwardly focused about this, hence if I do apologise, it would be to make myself feel better/differently, a self-centred action. Not to mention the potential trauma (if any) that could result for both parties if I were to do something like that. Or merely make contact. Again, this is based solely on my assumptions. Who knows! But better to let sleeping baggage lie, and release them to dissociate into their constituent particles and energies.

Actually.

I want to say “thank you” to them, too. For without the whole experience I wouldn’t be who and where I am today, and I wouldn’t have have learnt valuable lessons on being and loving and grief. Thank you for the pain, yadda yadda.

Well, guess what, I can still say all these things without saying it to them. If it’s just about Saying and acknowledging them and setting words free in the wind, this post would suffice, meditation would suffice. So it’s okay, after all. One big circle to be back at the start. Let it be.

Perhaps this is also part of growing up.

“If it’s to be, it’s up to me”
GE2020 is my most “involved” GE ever: I volunteered with the WP to do house visits and as polling agent. Quite interesting to see how polling stations work. Got to witness the sealing of the ballot boxes at the close of polling because I was extra and headed back to the polling station to see if humans needed support after the time extension was announced (turned out to be a good choice because I had a nice conversation with another volunteer and also got to see more bts stuff). W gets credit for suggesting that I volunteer, though of course I made the choice to do so on my own. It’s just not something I would have thought of to do myself.

Guess I’ve been politicised since my teens but made excuses not to be involved in any way, not even in discussions or arguments or the airing of opinions (of which there are plenty online these days). Because it all seems futile and there’s already so many voices and so much noise out there. W makes a case for not keeping one’s views to oneself, if there is potential value to be created by sharing them with people, for education’s sake, for diversity in perspectives, etc. And he says self-censorship driven by fear of judgment is not a fun way to live. He has a point. I will choose my medium/media and my battles. This requires more thought.

Getting used to typing with longer fingernails
I finally quit biting my fingernails during the Circuit Breaker period. Still making a mess of trimming my nails at present but we’ll see if I eventually pick up this lifeskill. This is actually my second (or third?) attempt at quitting, and I think it’s actually working (this habit has been following me around since I was 4). Unlike the previous time I let my nails grow in 2018, I no longer have the desire or compulsion to chew on my nails (especially when I’m stressed). I’ve been more annoyed about catching my nails on surfaces and accidentally scratching myself… and typing sucks. Still need to find the optimum fingernail length that allows typing using fingertips, like how one would play the piano. A promised me a manicure treat when my nails are grown enough. Waiting for one nail that I broke to catch up again, then I’ll take him up on the offer. 😛

“You should be writing”
So I should. I’m late to the game and it’s time to get things moving.
More thoughts later.